Here's my life, take it as you will.

So, I have a cold sore. Gross, I know. 

But I guess even this is teaching me a lesson. I’m pretty much prone to everything because my immune system isn’t the strongest so every time I would get something like a cold sore or a swollen eye — you know mundane human things that people get from time to time, I would become insecure because I didn’t appear… I guess perfect. And I was scared of people judging me.

However, this time, was the first time that I had a cold sore since moving to Azusa and going to APU. It was also the first time that I had no reason to feel judged except the ones I impose on myself despite the lack of external suggestions — you know, the weird looks, the dirty jokes or even the “Oh, what happened to your lip?” 

People here look me in the eyes when they’re talking.

They don’t stare at that red blemish on my top lip that I wish would go away so I can go back to feeling confident as long as this wasn’t on center stage. My biggest fear didn’t even lie in the fact that I was afraid of not feeling beautiful. I would even practice in the mirror smiling because you would see it less, haha.

But the lesson was this: I smiled more when I cared less about how people would see me. 

And instead of seeing what I thought was this Scarlet Letter on my face, they looked me in the eyes during conversation and instead of staring at my lips, they were more focused on what the message these lips had to deliver. I was afraid of having deep conversations, participating in class, having coffee dates, offering to pray or share in front of life group, being a part of a Transfer Panel Q & A for Transfer Preview Night and most of all, being alone because of this stupid physical reminder that I wasn’t “perfect”. It was crippling. And it could have hindered me from pouring out when God needed me to. But I refuse to let the fear of judgment win.

So I smiled, carried on and obeyed. Because of that, I was sharing His heart every time I opened my mouth. And that my friends, made me feel that much more beautiful than any physical features can convey. 

My other fear was judgment.

I felt like this cold sore was a Scarlet Letter. All these judgments that I imposed on myself from past insults, jokes & rumors from people that thought it was cool to tear someone’s character down because of a stupid cold sore. 

If you knew my character, you would know that I don’t sleep around. 

If you asked me, you would know that I promised myself and promised God to not date for a year so I can learn how to be independent and loved all on my own, without depending on a guy to feel beautiful or loved or good enough.

So if you knew this, you would know I haven’t kissed anyone, hooked up with anyone & nonetheless could not have had this stupid cold sore by catching this by some promiscuous & scandalous way. 

But this is me being real, even if that’s being defensive for a moment to get that off my chest. 

Not because of how people have treated me here at APU (or that I’ve seen within the last couple days whether or not you go here),

…but because of THE PAST.

Not because those people from the past have made fun of me or were mean to me this time around, but because I was their voice by allowing them to haunt me now by choosing to relive those rumors, insults & jokes. 

It’s been a beautiful week, to say the absolute least. God has been so incredibly good and has blessed me beyond belief. That’s for another blog because I could go on forever how He’s working out the details of making my dreams bigger and bigger with the practical doors opening up. Slowly but surely, my dreams are becoming reality. 

So here’s to You… the One who is worthy of it all.

I choose to not fear judgment from the past, present or future. I choose to do my best not to judge others because I know how crippling it can be. I choose to not judge myself and be the voice of the darkness of my past. I choose to wear this Scarlett Letter loud and proud for those that have been judged. Because Love came down to even redeem the prostitutes, the whores, the widows, the divorced, the single moms, the ones that have given their body away just for a sense of feeling loved to every single boy that told them he loved her. 

Laying down this fear of judgment at the foot of your cross and trading that in to once again take up my cross and follow you. 

Not because I deserve to, not because I have earned it, not because I’m good enough. 

But because You are.